Abigoliah Schamaun

Comedian, Yogi, Whiskey Enthusiast. 

How to be Fat.

How to be Fat.

*Originally Posted on January 28, 2016

WHEN I GO TO BED, I CAN HEAR MY NEIGHBOR COUGH.

I don’t know if the sounds is carried up by the boiler pipes, or if the corner of my room has some sort of magical echo chamber. But I can hear him cough. I don’t know if they can hear me. They’ve never said, but it sounds like he’s in bed next to me and it’s weird. That’s was my excuse last night for having my laptop in bed with me again. To be fair I think it’s not a bad excuse. I think I’ve hit my threshold for giving things up. Little Carbs. No caffeine. No Sugar. No alcohol. No processed foods. So I hold onto my computer like a toddler holds onto their blankie. It keeps me warm and cozy at night. And though I want to give it up, apparently I don’t want to give it up enough.

I think that’s an important distinction. And something people don’t think about enough. Sometimes you want to do something such as: lose weight, quit smoking, quit drinking, exercise more, read more, learn a different language, and the list goes on. We want to change things about ourselves because we feel like we should. Or we feel pressured by society in some form or another. But do we really want that change at our core. Let’s use the example of losing weight, since that’s what I’m aiming for.

I’ve been thinner that I was when I started this journey, and I’ve been fatter than I was. For the last year I’ve been trying to shed pounds and have been unsuccessful. Why? Well,
probably because I wanted to lose weight for the wrong reasons. I was going back to New York to visit so I wanted to look fabulous. I had a photo shoot, and I wanted to be thin for that. I was turning 30 and I wanted to be in the best shape on my birthday. Those are all external, really superficial reasons to want to lose weight. On January second when I started this journey why did I do it? Because I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I had felt out of balance, a little depressed, and unmotivated. Iknew I needed to fix that cause not only did I want to lose some weight but fixing all that meant improving my over all health. That means stop eating foods that make me feel lethargic (like processed foods), stop putting chemicals in my body that depress me (like alcohol). I think having a flexible plan has helped a lot. But I’m able to manage all the food stuff because all though it’s a ball ache at times, my over all happiness is improving. And I feel more in control of my body and my food.

I’ve tried to give up coffee before and it’s never worked, because the only reason I wanted to go off the stuff was to be one of those people who say, “Oh no thank you, I don’t drink coffee.” Not the most motivational reason is it? The reason it’s worked this time? Because, I wanted to see if caffeine was having a negative effect on my body. On a side note, don’t think it was, I miss the stuff horrible and after the next five days pass I’ll never give it up ever again. But why do I want to give up sleeping with my laptop? Because, it might be bad for my sleep cycle, but mostly to say I’ve given up something else. To have one more vice gone and to be able to write about it. That’s not the most motivating reason.

My two pieces of advice to anyone who’s been reading these blog posts:

One: If your inspired to do a similar thing, good for you! Sit down and ask yourself why you really want to do it. If it’s just because you feel pressured to look a certain way, maybe this is not for you, maybe just embrace your lifestyle as is and by embracing that you’ll find yourself more content and happier. 

Two: Read Augusten Burroughs’ book,This is How. He has a wonderful chapter called “How to be Fat” That says something similar to what I’ve said, but with more elegance. Best self-help book I’ve ever read.

Look at all the Good Habits I Have!

Look at all the Good Habits I Have!

What I used to Consider Healthy, I now Consider Cheat Meals.

What I used to Consider Healthy, I now Consider Cheat Meals.