Abigoliah Schamaun

Comedian, Yogi, Whiskey Enthusiast. 

Give me a God Damn Cup of Coffee Now!

Give me a God Damn Cup of Coffee Now!

*Originally posted: January 21, 2016

THE COFFEE CONUNDRUM.

I own a french press. Two in fact. I have a small one when it’s just me, and a large one for when I have guest. In the morning I wake up, boil some water, add coffee grounds to the press, fill it, let it steep, then enjoy. I take my coffee with a pinch of stevia and milk. Since the Paleo experiment, I found I really enjoy it with coconut milk. When I first started drinking coffee I had it black with Sweet & Low because that’s how my dad drank it. My mother drinks her’s with cream and no sugar, so in college I started drinking it with Sweet & Low and cream because it was like having both my parents in the one cup. When I first moved to New York, it took me a while to get used to the fact that when ordering coffee at a deli counter the make it for you. They put in the sugar, cream, or however you have it. When I lived in Germany I was shocked that when I ordered a large cup of coffee it was merely two espresso shots. When I’m walking around town and I want a hot beverage I usually get a soy latte, though lately my boyfriend has turned me onto americanos.


But that’s all gone now, because I gave up coffee and it’s by far the hardest part of this experiment. I was talking to a friend the other day and he was saying that their have been studies saying that people possess an finite amount of willpower for day. I think I’ve tipped the scale with the no caffeine thing. I’m scrapping the barrel for willower. It’s my sixth day without it and I assumed I’d have some withdraw symptoms but this is ridiculous. I’m not having headaches, I’m just feeling stupid. My head feels coded and dull. And I’m still crashing hard in the late afternoon early evening.

One reason that I thought I’d give up coffee is I have trouble sleeping, I thought if I took a break from caffeine it’d help restore my sleep wake cycle. But the other night I had one of those nights where I went to bed at 1am, woke up at 4am and didn’t fall back asleep until 7am. Fuck. My. Life. I intended to get up at 8am and if I was still drinking coffee I might have tried to do it but since I knew I wouldn’t have any outside stimulus I reset my alarm and woke up at 10…ok, 10:30.

Caffeine is an interesting drug. It has both good and bad qualities. On the downside it wreaks havoc on your adrenal glands, can cause loss in bone density, and make you predisposed to high blood sugar and blood pressure. On the upside it can increase concentrations, boost memory and lower a person’s risk of Alzheimer’s and liver cancers. It also helps with athletic prowess. Not only does it give a you a jolt of energy but it helps your body access glycogen reserves which are imperative to activities like long distance running. People metabolize caffeine differently. Some people handle it well and other people it gives the shakes. I read on Wikipedia that withdrawal can take up to nine days. NINE DAYS! I have the worst of all the first world problems.

Once up I had my hot lemon water with cayenne pepper and a green juice then headed out to a meeting. Once I got home I had left over beans and rice, got some writing done and then started to crash. Hard. It’s not just the lethargy; yesterday I got full on depressed. Maybe it was the pressure to get a lot of work done on top of being so tired. I wound up taking an hour nap at 5pm and then waking up and just wanted to go back to sleep. I did force myself to go to Yoga though. In Crazy, Sexy, Diet (CSD) Kris Carrrecommends people to exercise a minimum 35 minutes a day. After class I felt…a little better still not great.

I came home, made myself some Lazy Pad Thai, with half courgette noodles half rice noodles and then added sprouts on top of it. I now have enough left overs for a few days. I forgot how much rice and pasta expand when you cook them. By then it was pretty late so I said fuck it to the rest of my work and took a bath. I love baths. I never really had them on a regular basis till I moved to London because my New York tub was kinda small and shitty. Baths are my luxury item, I even have salts and candles like a fancy lady.

I was in bed my 12:30 asleep by 1am. I really want to go the last two weeks without coffee but I’m really bare knuckling it right now.

I'm Having Carb Fears

I'm Having Carb Fears

Don't Call is Cheese unless it's ACTUALLY Cheese.

Don't Call is Cheese unless it's ACTUALLY Cheese.