Abigoliah Schamaun

Comedian, Yogi, Whiskey Enthusiast. 

Don't Call is Cheese unless it's ACTUALLY Cheese.

Don't Call is Cheese unless it's ACTUALLY Cheese.

* First posted January 20, 2016



The last two weeks are upon us and it’s time to go vegan. For the Vegan portion of the challenge I’ll be working with Kris Carr’s book, Crazy Sexy Diet. If you don’t know anything about Kris Carr I urge you to look her up. She was diagnosed with cancer in 2003 she made a documentary called Crazy, Sexy Cancer, got the attention of the divine Oprah herself and thus a new health
guru was born. Kris was able to slow down the progression of her cancer by radically changing her diet and going Vegan. In 2011 she wrote Crazy, Sexy Diet a book about how and why she went vegan with a 21 Vegan cleanse at the back of the book.

If you don’t know what the vegan diet is you’ve been living under a rock. Just kidding. Well, sort of. Sorry to let my bourgeois city lifestyle pass judgement on lack of knowledge. I’ll try not to be bratty and just educate. The Vegan diet is a no animal products diet. No red meat, fish, chicken, eggs, or dairy. You can eat soy, legumes, nuts, grains, vegetables, and fruit.

Where as The Performance Paleo Cookbook was just a cookbook Crazy Sexy Diet is a guide with “why” and “why nots”. It’s a good read if you’ve never checked it out, do. She’s not militant she simply tells you the way she found peace and health, and during the cleanse part she even says if you fall off the horse, just giggle and try again. I like her attitude and I like her.

The Crazy Sexy Cleanse itself is a holistic cleanse where one cuts out all animal products, processed food, sugar, alcohol, caffeine and wheat. So essentially, I’ll be switching meat out for legumes and carbs. 

A typical day on the Crazy Sexy Diet looks like this:

Wake Up:

Warm Water with Lemon.

Green Juice/Smoothie

Vegan meal with 60-80% of the plate being raw or lightly steamed vegetables.

Green Juice/Smoothie or raw vegetable, fruits, or nut.

Vegan meal. 60-80% Raw of lightly steamed vegetables.

 Seems easy enough. The diet doesn’t tell you exactly what to eat but there are recipes at that back of the book. Instead, it’s a guidelines and gives you daily goals, focus points, affirmation (which I think are bullshit, but we’ll get into that another time.). She recommends you do stuff like dry brushing, meditating, and move/exercise at least 35 minutes each day. I’ll do my best to get all of this in, and I’ll be using recipes from the book as well as her website kirscarr.com.


As Ms. Carr recommends, after having lemon and water, I had a green juice in the morning. Then left the house to retrieve my phone I lost on Saturday night and then went to Crossfit. I was the only one who showed up at the 12:30pm class for the day and it killed me. I mean KILLED me. I had to do rounds of 10 burpees in a minute, 10 wall-balls in a minute, and 10 slam-balls in a minute. Repeat 10 times. Wall balls make me nauseous, m aybe it’s the up and down maybe it’s because I’ve never been good at throwing and catching things.  At one point I had to scale back but in 30 minutes I did 93 burpees, 93 wall-balls, 93 slam balls 105. I don’t think I ever have to workout again. I think that’s all the exercise in the world anyone needs to do ever. When I got home, I felt depleted, I made my self a bowl of rice and beans with a load of veg in it to adhere to the 80/20 rule then I took a nap. I’m still experiencing low energy moments and I think it’s the no coffee thing. I was so looking forward to having rice and it was delicious but I was so tired when I ate it I feel like I didn’t really get to enjoy it.

For dinner I made a Garlic Roasted Broccoli Stuffed Potatoes with Tahini Cheese Sauce from Kris Carr’s website. I might have needed more greens to adhere to the Crazy Sexy Diet guidelines, but I was just so excited to have white potatoes and rice today I couldn’t help myself. The baked potato was good, and I liked the sauce, but there’s something that really bugs me about vegan and vegetarian cooking. DON’T CALL IT CHEESE IF IT’S NOT CHEESE! It bugs the hell out of me. Yes the tahini cheese was very nice. It taste both nutty and spicy but it most definitely does not taste like cheese. It’s common in Vegan cookbooks to meals things likeEggless Scrambles Eggs orMacaroni & Cheeze. My problem with this is it sets an expectation for the diner (especially if they’re just off animal products) that the food will taste like that thing. And they more often than not don’t. Just call them what they are or something anything else: Tofu Scrambles, , but for fuck’s sake when you had tahini, nutritional yeast, and siracha, you may have something, but you most certainly don’t have cheese!

Give me a God Damn Cup of Coffee Now!

Give me a God Damn Cup of Coffee Now!

Last Day. Stats are In

Last Day. Stats are In