Abigoliah Schamaun

Comedian, Yogi, Whiskey Enthusiast. 

Oh Yeah, I hate Juice Cleanses!

Oh Yeah, I hate Juice Cleanses!

* Article Originally Published January 3, 2016

DAY 1

Before I get into the experience let me explain why a three day juice cleanse. Cleanses are a way to give your digestion tract a rest. It can help to repair the flora balance in your belly and provide a way for the vitamins in vegetables to go straight to your blood stream. It’s also a way to shed weight very quickly and that’s why I’m doing only three days. It’s not uncommon to lose a pound a day when cleansing but you gain at least half of it back immediately and the other half is very hard to keep at bay. This is not my first cleanse. Whenever I’ve done one longer than three days I get obsessed with the weight loss aspect and then depressed when I start eating again and it all re-appears. So I think three day is the maximum anyone should ever live on juice. Health gurus will disagree with me. But, they didn’t just have to turn down a sushi date with friends to stay home and drink Kale. Just 24 hours in and it’s already effecting my social life.

When you do a cleanse, it is advised that you taper off of food, going from a standard diet, to raw, to veg broth and then juice. I didn’t do that this time around. On New Years day I was so hungover I went to the diner in my neighborhood and had cheese fries and chicken fingers like the adult woman I am. Later that day I made pork sausage, sauerkraut, mashed potatoes, and broccoli for dinner. My mom always told me that eating pork in cabbage on New Years day brings luck for the coming year. It’s a old German tradition and I’ve been doing it since I was a kid. I’ll also not taper back onto food as is suggested (and I’ve never done, not once,) I’ll go from the juice cleanse to a paleo diet the very next day. When I explained my juice to food progressionto my friend and fellow comic, Paul Duncan McGarrity, he replied with, “You’re not doing a cleanse so much as having tantric lunch.” He’s probably right. I’m drinking juice while pouring over meat heavy recipes planing my first paleo week. It’s very sexy denying myself nice things while staring at pretty picture. Basically, food porn.

Waking up was a bit hard. My stomach was feeling a little off. And my boyfriend pointed out I might have the stomach bug that he’s had. Great. Just what I need is to get sick right as I’m entering this challenge. I finally got my shit together and headed to Whole Foods to buy some juice. It’s advised when juicing to make your own. As that guarantees immediate freshness. I’ve done that before and I about tore my hair out. It was stressful and I rather just bite the bullet and buy some juices then spend all day grinding them. Usually, I would go to a store that sells juice cleanse packs as those assure you get predominately green juices that are pressed daily. But all the stores near me seem to be closed this weekend. Luckily I know the Whole Foods presses juice daily and I can get what I need there. And then I get there an I realize, uh oh, they usually have just a straight green juice but they don’t have that out today. That leaves me with some smoothies and juices that’s first or second ingredient is fruit over vegetable. Which can lead to one’s blood sugar being all over the place. “Oh well, I think. I’ll try it and see what it’s like. I think a juice store in Covent Garden is open tomorrow, so today will be fruit dominated and tomorrow will be vegetable dominated. What an adventure!”

Once I got home I had some green tea (No coffee for these three days), and took down my Christmas tree. Which involves dismembering it with a small hand saw and shoving it into black bin bags. It’s the closest I’ve ever felt to being a Mafia member. I didn’t have enough time to get to yoga today so I’ll go tomorrow. As my tummy feels a bit weird I’m not too hungry and the juices seem satisfying. A stomach bug! Great! Just what I need is to get sick right as I’m entering this challenge!

Cut to 8pm I’m in Finsbury Park in a Rock Pub among a load of drunk football fans waiting to go on stage and hungry as fuck and that’s when I remember, “Oh yeah, I hate juice cleanses.” It’s not the ideal situation to be in when you’re in a sensitive state. But I get through it. Get home by 11pm have another juice and finally fall asleep by 3am. Given hunger didn’t start to happen till the evening I assume I’ll wake up tomorrow ravenous. If you see me over the next too days don’t say hi. I’ll be hangry.

The Nights are Killing Me!

The Nights are Killing Me!

The January Challenge!

The January Challenge!